FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
