I just made out with a guy for $7.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
