then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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