I think im going to throw up on grandma
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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