you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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