someone threw a dead crab at me
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize