She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He called his prostate his "boner button".
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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