I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
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