tonight lets celebrate not being married
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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