sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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