woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
