Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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