Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
