I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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