I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
