just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
