I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
