allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
