they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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