so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
