I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
this beer tastes like vomit already
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
