"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
