apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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