My sheets look like a crime scene.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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