Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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