My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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