I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
