you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
