sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I love having hate sex.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just gargled with NyQuil
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
