i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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