I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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