I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
MIDGETS
????
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
