Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
