Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
