Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
