hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
