Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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