Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
