yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i came on her dog
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
