i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize