Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
OPIZZABONMYDICK
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
