I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
