I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
