i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
