my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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