Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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