After last night, I could never be a politician.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
