why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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