My boss' voice literally gives me gas
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize