Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
