Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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