So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
