where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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