I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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