Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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