so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
