Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
