I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
