I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
