People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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