you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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