I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
