I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
