i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
