I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize