I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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