She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
